Monday, July 1, 2013
My bedroom walls are now three colors. Dark, medium, light. Brown, beige, cream. The strange thing about these particular walls is that the light from the southern exposure makes the colors morph throughout the day. At times, the brown appears to be a pewter grey. At times, the beige and cream appear to be the same color. It is like being in a kaleidoscope room with the colors ever changing. It adds to my constant feeling of confusion lately.
Since the move, I live in a world where past, present and future commingle. The way things were done in the past is no longer possible in all situations. I keep trying to find my way around the present day which is a constant exercise in trial and error. The future needs to be planned for - registering for school, assimilating into our new surroundings, trying to rebuild our family life.
The past keeps nagging at me, lurking in the back of my mind at all times. Going to the grocery store, I have to ask myself, "Where was this located in my old store?" in the hopes that it will be located in that same area in the new store. This has never worked. It is always in a different place, and my quick trips for groceries end up lasting two hours.
The present is a constant adventure. Meeting new people is my favorite part. The neighbors here are very friendly people. After working in a recruiting office for almost a decade, I am adept at reading people. And I can tell that the woman next door had been best friends with the woman who used to live in my house. I saw from her facial expressions that I didn't quite measure up to her expectations when we first met. The guy across the street is a comedian. The other guy across the street is very friendly and helpful, and my sense of humor seemed to surprise him. The guy who lives behind us might just be a bit pervy - he said he'd really like it if I could come over and meet his dog(?) And he said to come over any time. Okay, then . . .
The future is a constant worry. When will the kids make friends? Will they like school? Will I find a job? Am I ever going to figure out an easy way to get all the laundry from upstairs down into the laundry room? And how am I ever going to make this new pantry work?
I look forward to the day when everything is relaxed again. Everything is second nature. Everything will work. A day when I can look at the colors on my bedroom walls and know that the wall is brown, not grey because it will be locked in my subconscious mind. The day when certainty returns.