"You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star." Nietzsche
When my husband is away, I can't sleep. Part of it could be because two little space invaders and a cat insist on cuddling with me all night. It could be because my mental "safety net" leaves whenever he is gone.
Whatever the reason, I usually find myself up all night sitting and watching late-night TV. Late last night, one of the channels broadcast The Ellen DeGeneres Show. When I turned it on, I saw that my music crush Jason Mraz was going to be performing, so I sat and watched it. The first thing I saw was a young Asian woman who had won a beauty pageant. Her talent was painting while dancing and doing all kinds of contortions with her body. Rather than explain it, I'll link it here.
This fascinated me on so many levels. My first thought was, "I wonder if I could do this?" (The painting part, not the dancing or contortions). I am ever the optimist. But wouldn't it be cool if I could, say, paint Elvis while knitting or something? I could even peel and chop an onion or pack a school lunch on the side. The possibilities are endless. Then it dawned on me that no one would really care unless it was a young, beautiful beauty pageant winner actually doing the painting.
I watched Jason Mraz perform, and then I started channel surfing. I stumbled across one of my old favorites, "The Twilight Zone". I know better than to watch those types of shows when my husband is gone, because I find them truly terrifying. I mean, what if there really is a parallel universe to ours, and what would happen if our double in the parallel universe wanted to take over our lives? What if a milkman that no one ever saw would grant wishes if you simply wrote them on a piece of paper and left them with the milk bottles? What if the seemingly-innocent six-year-old next door had the power to banish whatever displeased him into a cornfield? (Actually, I would kind of like to have that power.) There is usually a moral in every Twilight Zone episode - be careful what you wish for; be careful how you treat others; be careful how you live your life. They are stories of everyday people in everyday situations who somehow find themselves in the Twilight Zone. The stories could happen to any one of us.
The last couple of days here have been bad ones. It has been rainy and dreary which doesn't help my mood. I feel like I'm slogging through a fog. I desperately want to feel creative. I want to be the one throwing paint on a canvas and then casually flip it over to reveal a masterpiece. Instead, I find myself slipping into the Twilight Zone - obsessing over little things; getting upset over nothing; thinking that people must not like me for some reason. Ridiculous behavior. Moods that come and go with no rhyme or reason. I think this is the result of very little sleep and bad weather.
So, today, I made up my mind to get myself out of this blue funk. I've been straightening up the house. I've been thinking of creative things to do here. But all of my ideas lack the pizazz I'm searching for. When I look at them, I don't see Bruce Lee or even Elvis. Maybe I need to take a step back. If you look at Lisa Wong's painting up close, it doesn't resemble anything but a mess. It is only when you step back and look at it in a different way that it all comes together.
I think I need to take myself out of my surroundings for awhile today. Maybe I'll get a different perspective on things. Maybe the things I'm creating right now - two beautiful, intelligent children, a happy family and a home will slowly come into view.
Or maybe I could start working on that Elvis painting/onion chopping thing. It would definitely have to be the black leather-clad hot Elvis from his comeback special. No white jumpsuits here. What if I painted with my feet while knitting? Ah . . . Twilight Zone, here I come.
Sorry for my rambling, my sense of humor is my salvation in times like these. I thank God for it.
"The creative is the place where no one else has ever been. You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover is yourself." Alan Alda